pride and pain

i fell upon a my own reflection
she told me that i could do better
an arduous trip to WhoKnowsWhere
in search of my own american dream
and i can't seem to find out why
i must incessantly fight the tide
i almost wonder what would happen
if i dive deeper into the realms of Uncertainty

each day that flips by like pages in a well-worn book
tears and rips that i have caused such damage
and i have only myself and my reflection to thank
it angers me to know that i can't live my own
and it frustrates me that i haven't found him yet
i've become the bitter cat-lady who hides her tears
an old-soul aged beyond her young years
it has become a war of pride and pain
for without God i have nothing to gain.

things have changed for me

and where am i going?
in an environment where i'm supposed to
have it all together, i find myself lacking.
a failure to my own standards.
and if i fail to my own, what of God's?
this is a sobering thought.
is it possible to change?
is it possible?

i want to share my life with someone
who will love me for me.
i can't stop and wait, i don't have time.
i need to do something with my life before its over.
and my time is running out.