this is for you.

i have a heart that's begging to be touched.

a mind waiting for a revelation of wisdom.

my hands are stretched high to touch the one that loves me.

the one who is stretching me and therefore, is stepping further

and further away, just like a dad steps away to watch his child walk 

to him. for what is it but another chance to learn and to love my father?

i'm wanting to grow and trust.

and the simplest realization came to me:

He's still here.

and He will bless me.

so for all the people that God has given me a word for, all the people that God has used me to encourage, know that through all of this, i too have been begging and crying and dying on the inside. i too am not perfect and i too get tempted. i remember the mistakes i've made and the people that have hurt me and the people that i've broken. 

but remember what i told you. God is faithful. and He will carry you through. i'm praying for you guys, and i genuinely love you. and you can come to me about anything and trust that i'll love you no matter what. and if you read this, next time we see each other, give me a hug. i'm sure that we'll both need it.

much love,

samantha.

is this coincidence or a sign?

i've had a wonderful life. i've been to jamaica, nicaragua, and poland. i've been all over the U.S., traveling all over. i've been to almost every club in dallas. i've had my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first love and heartbreak. i've known great joy and great tragedy. i've been close to dying, and i remember waking up hours later knowing that i'll live. i've seen birth and death. i've laughed, cried, and even have done both at the same time. i've made friends, enemies, and people that i've kept at the acquaintance level. i've had crazy jobs, crazy friends, and i have a wonderful church. i've hated God in the past, and now i know God and I love Him so much.

i've had a full life so far. 

and yet, i'm not satisfied.

there's got to be more to this.

so i won't stop searching for the next step.

all my life, i've tried so hard

it seems like every break i get something else comes along. i find it hard to focus these days. i can no longer see the stars from where i'm standing. i almost cried today and i felt so sad. i feel like i'm failing at everything i'm doing.

so where do i go from here? how to i move on to a different place?

i'm longing for something to change.

and i'm looking for God to give me peace and still my racing thoughts.

this is the rawest i've ever felt.

i couldn't be more honest.

sweaty nights.

i tossed and turned, and finally it was time for me to get up for work. at the lovely time of 5:30 a.m. i couldn't sleep because for some reason i was hot. which isn't rare, but i do keep the air cold at night to prevent this very problem.

i was too hot to sleep but too sleepy to do anything about it. thus, i'm tired as heck and i have a semi-long day ahead of me.

first day of work, and i'm slightly nervous. i don't know why, its not like i've dreamed of having this job. in fact, i've been slightly dreading this job. what i'm am looking forward to is the paycheck.

if i'm not too tired, i'll talk about how incredibly awesome my day was, but if i can't do anything else but crawl into bed, i'll just wait until later.

i hate waking up early in the morning.