how can you live far away when this is your home?

home is where your heart is.
i don't have a home anymore.
and i don't know where my heart is.
i'm trying to make sense of all this.
and i feel like i have too much to handle.
there are times when i feel peace.
there are times when i have hope.
but then there are times when i feel like i am all alone on this.
i don't know who i can trust or depend on.
so i'm trying to make friends.
depend on people that i know will help me.
people that i can trust.
but it is really hard.
because Samantha is breaking.
Samantha is falling apart.
Samantha needs someone.

i know our love is new.

the more i struggle with, the more i know i need God.
but now, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
it is very small, and the tunnel is long, but i know that i can
reach it. i know that i can make it through.
and i can finally smile again.
my purpose isn't in my approval.
my approval isn't found in people's opinions.
i haven't completely gotten over this dark spot in my life.
but i am not alone. and i will get through this.

i feel so humble with all of the opportunites that i have to pour into
people's lives. i know i don't deserve it and that i'm not the most perfect
person, but i can't imagine my life without this. i genuinely love all the people that i spend time with, adults and teens. it makes me smile knowing that i'm helping lead people in the right direction. i'm glad that i'm at the place where i'm at. i'm growing and learning and realizing what love really is.

tomorrow is my last day of work. can't say that i'm going to miss it. i didn't hate being a lunch lady, but i'm glad i won't have to get up so early. but i definitely need another job. i hope i get the best of both worlds: great hours and great pay.
anyway, i have to get up early, so goodbye for now,

love,
samantha gannon

i missed your skin.

sometimes, a song will play and i'm compelled to think.

"if all our lives are but a dream,
fantastic posing greed,
then we should feed our jewelry to the sea.
for diamonds do appear to be
just like broken glass to me"

i think panic at the disco is on to something here. perhaps, life is like a dream, short and fleeting. and truly we live our lives in a self-serving manner. but in realizing this, material possessions have no meaning. because at the end of our lives, do things really matter?

just something to think about.

around the corner

i've been given a promise. but i'm afraid to hold Him at His word.

isn't this the very thing that i tell others to live by? obedience? 

and yet, faith is so hard to come by these days.

but i'm trying. i'm going to take a step of faith.

i think what will make it different this time is that i won't be in control.

for once, i'm going to trust God to provide. even if He doesn't do another thing for me for the rest of my life, if God were just to touch me, if He would just speak to me, i would live happy. 

i so strongly desire to just hear from God. just to spend hours of time with Him. to sit down and listen to what He has to say. He knows so many things about me, about life, and about this world.

i miss the times that i would cry during worship. i miss the sore throats after praying all night. i miss the tired body from serving in the ministry. i miss living for something other than myself. but i believe that God will honor that and He will fulfill His promise soon.

lights out, 

Samantha

in all of this

lost. alone. without direction or confidence in myself.

a roller coaster of problems and false solutions. 

i'm so angry and hurt because nothing is going even ok anymore.

and in all of this, 

i ask God,

"where are You?"

i'm waiting for His answer. and i'm not moving until He answers me.

loose sweatpants and tight t-shirts.

its getting harder and harder for me to control my thoughts.

its funny how right my sunday school teacher was.

read your bible, pray every day, and you will grow, grow, grow.

neglect your bible, forget to pray, and you will shrink, shrink, shrink.

i never went to children's church, but i think the kids are on to something.

i'm going to start writing again.

in desperation

i feel like i'm starved. like i'm slowly deteriorating. like sand when the waves hit it.

i'm so desperate for a touch from God. i need to hear His voice. I know that i'm not being faithful. i know that i don't deserve it. but i want it. and it says in the bible that if i will seek Him, i will find Him if i'm seeking Him with my whole heart. i don't know how to be more transparent. i'm so tired of routine worship. i'm so tired of mundane prayer. i want a real moment with God. i want to wake up in the morning with hope in my heart. i want to smile for no reason. i want to be totally shaken to the core. i want a new season. i want to be blessed so i can bless others.

but right now, i want sleep.