the buddy system

it has occurred to me that simply having the right answers is not enough.
for 8 years, i have been telling myself that if there was a god, then doing the do's and don't's of christianity would fix this depression, this hole in my chest.
out of the many friends that i have, none truly know what i struggle with, the dreams that have been crushed in my life.
at this point in my life, i don't have enough faith to know what real love is.
i don't even think i know what real faith is.

but i've been reminded of something.
my life, all of our lives, are like a journey.
we're born, we live, we die.
and sometime between the beginning and the end, we pursue what we think will satisfy us. rarely do we think about after we die, because who would with a life full of dreams and goals?
and for what? a life of fame, success, a legacy? what kind of legacy? and to who?
who is going to remember us ten, fifty, 100 years from now?
and honestly, i've gone from poor to wealthy and now i'm back to poor.
i've had my highs and lows.
i've spent nights lonely and depressed.
because of what? what am i doing wrong? is this what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

i don't want that. i don't want to just make it. i don't want to barely make it.
i want to love just for the sake of loving. i want to be good, not out of obligation, but because that is who i am.
i want to reach out and touch someone.
i don't want to be selfish. i want to share my life with someone.
i want to look past all the despair and hopelessness around me and follow the only God that i can trust in.
the one who has never failed me.
the one who never will stop loving me.