internal monologue

i have a need to be in a place where i can find my own
to be the girl that i was created to be, in the way that i please
my yesterday is still where its at and not any less painful
and even today, i’m waiting for it to disappear
i’m holding onto intangible promises and
they help me when i need them least
i hate asking question that don’t get answered
i hate being ignored when i need the attention
i hate drowning when there’s no one to rescue me
teach me to swim? no, i’d rather walk on dry land, thank you.
so where does this rocky road lead to?
more bruised knees than acquired knowledge?
i fail to see the worth of this test when i can’t figure out what to do quite yet.
and when i finally get a companion on this quest (for lack of better word)
i don’t even know if i can fully trust what will only let me down
for i deserve no better for my own multiple failures
but back to the beginning of this internal monologue.
i can almost feel the change, the difference, the fulfilled destiny
but this ball and chain refuses to let me go, or maybe i am the one
freedom is scarring. freedom is frightening
and i cannot comprehend what i’ve never fully known.
and the goodness of God brings me to my knees in fear.
for I don’t and never will match up to His standards.
could i ever describe His mercy and He constant forgiveness?
No. it would be like describing why two people become lovers
or counting the stars in the sky or why someone would die for another.
i have fought more this year, cursed more, screamed and cried more,
perhaps prayed and sang more, felt more lonely, struggled more,
walked away and sometimes i ran too far.
but i want something more. i want life. i want love.
i’m changing the station. and if i have to, despite it being partly my fault,
i will walk away from here. and i won’t look back.
i’m tired of battling, the constant tears and fears.
my intent, my aim, my proposal, my personal promise to myself.
my life will cause a smile.
and for the love of God, just tell me that you love me.