in all of this

lost. alone. without direction or confidence in myself.

a roller coaster of problems and false solutions. 

i'm so angry and hurt because nothing is going even ok anymore.

and in all of this, 

i ask God,

"where are You?"

i'm waiting for His answer. and i'm not moving until He answers me.

loose sweatpants and tight t-shirts.

its getting harder and harder for me to control my thoughts.

its funny how right my sunday school teacher was.

read your bible, pray every day, and you will grow, grow, grow.

neglect your bible, forget to pray, and you will shrink, shrink, shrink.

i never went to children's church, but i think the kids are on to something.

i'm going to start writing again.

in desperation

i feel like i'm starved. like i'm slowly deteriorating. like sand when the waves hit it.

i'm so desperate for a touch from God. i need to hear His voice. I know that i'm not being faithful. i know that i don't deserve it. but i want it. and it says in the bible that if i will seek Him, i will find Him if i'm seeking Him with my whole heart. i don't know how to be more transparent. i'm so tired of routine worship. i'm so tired of mundane prayer. i want a real moment with God. i want to wake up in the morning with hope in my heart. i want to smile for no reason. i want to be totally shaken to the core. i want a new season. i want to be blessed so i can bless others.

but right now, i want sleep.