God, i can't do this anymore. i'm a stranger with no home. and it doesn't matter what i do because in the end, it doesn't end up making a difference. i've prayed and cried, and nothing has changed for the better. so i want to know when You're going to do something?
if not, i don't think i can live like this. this fear of mocking, i'm so afraid to be honest or ask for help because...i wouldn't get help from..it doesn't matter anyway.
i've never felt this sad. i feel broken, and i can't find something to
distract myself with. i've tried and failed. i asked you to do something, anything,
and yet again, nothing. no answer. what do i have to do to get your attention???
i know i'm nothing. i know i'm selfish. i know that i don't know everything.
but can't you tell me what to do? or somehow provide?
because my heart is here. and i know things are changing. but i'm not going anywhere else.
even if things get difficult. but you're not giving me much of a choice. i mean, what the heck am i supposed to do? i'm so afraid of bringing shame to..
and once...then, i suppose i don't have to worry. but God, i can't do this. i hurt.
i hurt so badly. i can't breathe right. i can't think about anything else. and i feel myself slipping into an even bigger depression.
if this is something i brought upon myself, then i'm sorry.
if anything, i'm learning to be less selfish, but i feel tortured. like you're playing with me. and that's not the God i read about in the bible.
i don't mean to be a heretic, or disrespectful, i'm just trying to figure out who you are.
and i can't survive being hurt again. and if i can't trust you, then there is no one else.
so please, please, God. do something. please talk to me, send me a sign, a word, something!
because i'm hanging by a thread and i can't promise to hang on for much longer.
please do what you promised to do.

its just that its delicate

i might sing when i'm alone
to no one in particular
i could cry every time
things go so wrong or i
could release the cold.
its not that i'm emotionless or
without sorrow
its just that its delicate.
i feel the ball of pain swelling in my throat
forcing tears that promise nothing at all
and i can't help but wonder when
things are going to get easier.
i'm running into trees that refuse to move
and i'm given many options but
not many too choose
and i know what i don't want
but there's no where for me to go.
i might reach out to someone
but what if they're a ghost?
there when not wanted
gone when i need them the most?
is there such thing as Favor?
or is the lack of one named Test?
and i'm running and running
to nowhere in particular
things that are so meaningless
are now the very things that are depressing me
and as much as this word play used to satisfy my
cravings for distraction, i'm afraid that this makes things worse.

God, would you please listen to me for just one second?
I need you more than I need air, or life.
And I can't help it if I seem pitiful or meek,
because the truth is, I can't do anything without You.
And if I'm going in the right direction, please God,
show me that I'm still in Your sight.
Because I'm a failure without You.

a moment of raw truth:

i've got no answers. no solutions.
the only directions i have are to go and don't stop.
i'm tired, and yet i have to keep going.
i'm sick, and yet i have to push farther.
i'm emotionally drained, and the words, "don't give up" are resonating in my mind.
when does it get to the point that i'm done?
i don't want to be out of love, but in love.
i'm asking for a familiar reason.
a question answered with another question, if you will.

i have a nasty headache. i get those when i cry.
i'm fighting the urge to close myself off.
and God still wants me to love others.
and i do. and i always will.

lights out for me, sleep is so tempting right now, and i'm about to give in.
peace out,
samantha

how can you live far away when this is your home?

home is where your heart is.
i don't have a home anymore.
and i don't know where my heart is.
i'm trying to make sense of all this.
and i feel like i have too much to handle.
there are times when i feel peace.
there are times when i have hope.
but then there are times when i feel like i am all alone on this.
i don't know who i can trust or depend on.
so i'm trying to make friends.
depend on people that i know will help me.
people that i can trust.
but it is really hard.
because Samantha is breaking.
Samantha is falling apart.
Samantha needs someone.