at the front of my mind

a familiar song playing softly is what lulls me away from here
i close my eyes in effort to not think of what ages me
i want to know how to do this
to break away from change
to forget about my worries and leave behind the pain
its hard to see when you're blind
its hard to hear what's so quiet
indecision to be broken.
a cold death to be prevented in a heart that's slowly beating
i want a fire so hot and fierce that chases away the darkness
and live to see a promise that was given with requirements.
now is the time, the time to rise up from my bed.
no more sleeping, no more hiding my head
and even if i lose my breath, even if i trip and fall
i now God is with me and He'll catch me when i fall.

i'm holding on

have you ever had a dream that you were trapped underwater?
you reach the surface you find it frozen solid?
what's that feeling? what's the first thing you think of?

i had a dream that i was trapped in a frozen lake.
but i wasn't afraid. i didn't panic.
no, i kept searching for that thin ice.
because i knew it was there. somewhere.
and then i would reach much needed night sky.

i'm dreaming big

i'm writing this blog in hope that in a few weeks, i'll look back on it and found that it came true.
so this is where i think i'll be in a few weeks.

safe and healthy.
employed at a good job.
starting berean or about to.
getting through this grey period.
paying off my debt.
loved by friends.
peaceful.

so, this is a faith thing. i'm going to trust and believe that its going to happen.
and i'll thank God until it happens.

i don't know if i can do this.

this hurts. knowing i have to get rid of everything i own.
i'm packing up clothes, a few bathroom things, maybe a couple of pillows.
and that's it. this is painful for me. to have to get rid of most of my things.
and the truth is, even though i know this is what i have to do, i feel alone on this.
i wish that i felt better about doing this. i wish that i didn't have to make these choices.
if not uncertain, i feel miserable. i wish someone would tell me that its ok. or things
will be ok. i just need to hear it. i need to hear that this will be for the better, for the greater.
i just need to hear it. because my heart is so heavy.

an exerpt of moldy newspaper

and i thought this was to be forgotten
rain running through words and columns
spreading and bleeding into nothing as faded memories
why do i not realize the steadiness of this truth?
and nothing will change except the decay of human life?

i've never thought about it so much until now.

but sometimes i wish that i could start over. it kills me that things will look up and then go so wrong in the same day. i need help. in more ways than one. no, i'm not crazy, but i feel like its inevitable. i'm frustrated because nothing is changing on the outside of it all. i feel like i'm drowning, all the time.
but i'm going to look past the distractions so i can remember that i need God.