internal monologue

i have a need to be in a place where i can find my own
to be the girl that i was created to be, in the way that i please
my yesterday is still where its at and not any less painful
and even today, i’m waiting for it to disappear
i’m holding onto intangible promises and
they help me when i need them least
i hate asking question that don’t get answered
i hate being ignored when i need the attention
i hate drowning when there’s no one to rescue me
teach me to swim? no, i’d rather walk on dry land, thank you.
so where does this rocky road lead to?
more bruised knees than acquired knowledge?
i fail to see the worth of this test when i can’t figure out what to do quite yet.
and when i finally get a companion on this quest (for lack of better word)
i don’t even know if i can fully trust what will only let me down
for i deserve no better for my own multiple failures
but back to the beginning of this internal monologue.
i can almost feel the change, the difference, the fulfilled destiny
but this ball and chain refuses to let me go, or maybe i am the one
freedom is scarring. freedom is frightening
and i cannot comprehend what i’ve never fully known.
and the goodness of God brings me to my knees in fear.
for I don’t and never will match up to His standards.
could i ever describe His mercy and He constant forgiveness?
No. it would be like describing why two people become lovers
or counting the stars in the sky or why someone would die for another.
i have fought more this year, cursed more, screamed and cried more,
perhaps prayed and sang more, felt more lonely, struggled more,
walked away and sometimes i ran too far.
but i want something more. i want life. i want love.
i’m changing the station. and if i have to, despite it being partly my fault,
i will walk away from here. and i won’t look back.
i’m tired of battling, the constant tears and fears.
my intent, my aim, my proposal, my personal promise to myself.
my life will cause a smile.
and for the love of God, just tell me that you love me.

bright light.

and when you die, the day that you die
you will be standing alone in an empty room
with your eyes on the one the one who gave you His all
He gave you everything and you took and you gave away
inside this white room that’s covered in images of your life
are you ready? are you ready for this?

right around the corner, and they have already come among us!

bittersweet flavor overwhelms my mouth
the truth-inevitable as the day succumbs to the night sky
a choice to be made- and even death leads the way, tempting me
but i digress.
hate and rage seems to be my older sister;
i don't want to listen but i can't drown out her screeching banter
i want separation between myself and "home"
i want to rewrite my history but i can't seem to escape where i came from
i can at least pretend to have amnesia.

the same old truth

there are days that i'm not sure; nights that i lack solidity
is there ever a point that i truly know beyond doubt, beyond uncertainty?
i can see separation, it is between me and you
and considering that i can't feel you, see you,
hear you, it certainly causes me despair when
i think of your lack of signature in my unfinished portrait
i ask myself, if this is what life is-
a journey of experiences and serving what we do not see
i'm afraid that my past has built around me a fort,
a wall of "protection" that won't break down to trumpets
i want to wake up from this nightmare
even what (or who?) i thought kept me safe
led me to deeper sleep, or the want for something darker
bitterness is a vise around my lungs and ropes around my neck
i cannot take another deep breath.

i was there

piano keys were played softly
a tune that was nameless and yet seemed familiar
it reminded me of days and those days still make me smile
even though they're not memories but fantasies
hot and dirty air weighs on my lungs
and i breathe in the rain and i still hear the music
haunting and hypnotic, i was there
i saw him staring at himself in the mirror
that insufferable song playing in his mother's room
i was there to see him shoot and cry when
the darkness didn't seem to leave his eyes
he twitched every time i spoke his name
in whispers we prayed for heavy rain
through the cracked glass on his windows
then and now, i feel his pain
for i share it with my own.

smile.

i watched this video on my friend james jardine's blog. i loved it so much, i'm going to put it on mine. enjoy.

a whim

marching men waving their freedom
in sailor suits and eiffel towers
sleeping on air and dreams so
even the foolish seem to understand
little girls playing in the sunlight
pretty yellow dresses stained naive
how blessed they are before they know
that tonight, the sun will fade
all that is sweet will turn to dust
all that is life will turn to rust
and some of us are guilty too.
pain is taboo and i use it quite often
in expressing what i feel towards all
well, maybe just a little.

welcome to the good life.

i don't know if anything can hurt worse
the disappointment of the shaping hands
is comparable to having your chest ripped out
there's no denying that gaping whole that once
contained a big heart full of dreams and now
has a biting tongue and a silent scream
tears do this feeling no justice
and no one could quite understand what
cannot be confided in them so i ask you:
what is the point?

late nights and carpools.

lately i've been missing what i've had all along
a simple story of a girl who lost what was never gone
he talks in his sleep, this brother of hers
and it makes her smile before she dreams
and when she dreams, oh, lucky her,
she escapes to a place where she dances.

love binds tighter than blood.

a red fabric that ties me closer
a loose word that keeps me warmer
how often do we forget our forgiveness?
a heartbeat that sings of redemption
children cry in synced chorus
the aged speak in posed riddles
for what is it when we run out of time?
when words can no longer be in rhyme?
a younger sister of when it started
disbelief will be the reason things will not change.

pride and pain

i fell upon a my own reflection
she told me that i could do better
an arduous trip to WhoKnowsWhere
in search of my own american dream
and i can't seem to find out why
i must incessantly fight the tide
i almost wonder what would happen
if i dive deeper into the realms of Uncertainty

each day that flips by like pages in a well-worn book
tears and rips that i have caused such damage
and i have only myself and my reflection to thank
it angers me to know that i can't live my own
and it frustrates me that i haven't found him yet
i've become the bitter cat-lady who hides her tears
an old-soul aged beyond her young years
it has become a war of pride and pain
for without God i have nothing to gain.

things have changed for me

and where am i going?
in an environment where i'm supposed to
have it all together, i find myself lacking.
a failure to my own standards.
and if i fail to my own, what of God's?
this is a sobering thought.
is it possible to change?
is it possible?

i want to share my life with someone
who will love me for me.
i can't stop and wait, i don't have time.
i need to do something with my life before its over.
and my time is running out.

a little bit longer

lean a little closer, love
tell me what you want me to hear
some poetry, created on the spot
it makes me smile to have you near
the first thing i understood about you
was that you make things better
not by changing or going with the flow
but just by standing by me
i feel you in the pit of my stomach
in the heartbeat in my chest
your words are my life's song

and now, i'm waking from my daydream
and you're still here
not as my one and only, but
someone i merely wish for.

scurry, skip and hide.

i hate to see you cry
the field flowers will be even greener
with hands thrown to the sky
it seems as though you want to say goodbye
but i hope to hear you out
don't be afraid to put the bags down
i'll help you take them off your back
the bruises will heal and
you have my ears to relieve your pain

what i'm really feeling inside.

a child paces in the dusty dark room
shades provide her with protection
for no one can see her eyes
and a scarf hides her chapped lips

i was only given a
window in which to live on
to take a step outside
would certainly settle life
but with no certain vision of tomorrow
i can't presume a hopeful prediction
when all i have to
sum up with is uncertainty
and i cannot fathom why
my mind won't wrap around this
so i must conclude that it is i who
is the guilty one for the mistakes
for who can i blame when
the only one here is my reflection?
i wish i could break this window
because even as i see the outside world,
i see me in this
God-forsaken prison of Doubt
i have so many answers,
but never the right key to get out
and it appears that the window
has been painted shut
i'm a lifeless being in need of
Passion.
Love.
Laughter.
Light.

the buddy system

it has occurred to me that simply having the right answers is not enough.
for 8 years, i have been telling myself that if there was a god, then doing the do's and don't's of christianity would fix this depression, this hole in my chest.
out of the many friends that i have, none truly know what i struggle with, the dreams that have been crushed in my life.
at this point in my life, i don't have enough faith to know what real love is.
i don't even think i know what real faith is.

but i've been reminded of something.
my life, all of our lives, are like a journey.
we're born, we live, we die.
and sometime between the beginning and the end, we pursue what we think will satisfy us. rarely do we think about after we die, because who would with a life full of dreams and goals?
and for what? a life of fame, success, a legacy? what kind of legacy? and to who?
who is going to remember us ten, fifty, 100 years from now?
and honestly, i've gone from poor to wealthy and now i'm back to poor.
i've had my highs and lows.
i've spent nights lonely and depressed.
because of what? what am i doing wrong? is this what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

i don't want that. i don't want to just make it. i don't want to barely make it.
i want to love just for the sake of loving. i want to be good, not out of obligation, but because that is who i am.
i want to reach out and touch someone.
i don't want to be selfish. i want to share my life with someone.
i want to look past all the despair and hopelessness around me and follow the only God that i can trust in.
the one who has never failed me.
the one who never will stop loving me.

turn. smile. shift. repeat. (same thought, new perspective)

we know our life is going nowhere,
why do we keep making the same mistakes?
if nothing is changing for the better,
why do we give up and do nothing?
why is it easier to pretend like nothing is wrong?
each day begins another monotonous routine.


i feel an urgency to break out of the norm.

no fun. no games.

i want to be better
i want to be happy.
i want to be here for others
i want to be the reason others smile
but no matter what happens,
something goes wrong in the end.
i can choose better choices
and days can be easy
but why does the sun go away
why does the moon hide its face?
i ran out into the street
and no one warned me to stop
and just like that, i was gone
all by myself, i'm living life
and the more i try to be good
the more i realize that i'll never be.
i keep forgetting to keep the candle lit
my hands are burnt from the wax dripping
and my cheeks are hot from the tears falling
i have no hands to hold,
no arms to hold me down
there is a weight on my chest
and all that it has inside is pain
is there a way to change the channel?
i feel like i'm slipping from reality
and even the old rags don't keep me warm anymore

oh, happy day.

my days are numbered, my moments are few
my life is fleeting and my choices cause pain
and yesterday's friends are today's strangers
rocking chairs weather and sunsets turn to dusk
i sing for exoneration, i cry out for mercy
i saw the skyline while driving on the highway
and it caused a smile to play on my lips
and the very sounds of laughter escaped them
despite what trouble may lie ahead
i will remember the table prepared before me
and i will feast on hope and love
even in the presence of darkness and separation
and i will know that He is still in control.

five minutes.

an elderly lady crossed the street.
her grocery bags fell and rolled into the road.
not one person stopped to help her,
people kept walking as if she were not there.
a couple of teenagers walking down the sidewalk.
the girl, very pregnant, and the boy, guiding her.
she seemed broken, tears falling down her face
nose was red, and eyes were swollen.
the boy, protecting her from traffic
had his arm around her shoulders and whispering
attempting to calm her down but i could see distress in his eyes.
all of this i saw in less than five minutes.
it reminds me that this world really has no hope.
only feeble attempts to distract them from their self-induced pain.
God, please don't' look away.
remind Your children of their first Love.
call us back into Your arms.
forgive us of our attempts to live without You.
God come back to me.

i'm not afraid to let you shine

i'll walk with you until you can walk on your own.
i'll be here to listen to you until you run out of words to say.
and you know what?
nothing you could do will ever change that.

God is love. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

what was i thinking?

i can't even be honest with myself.
i don't know where to go.
i'm broken.
and i feel panicked.
because i just realized that i don't know where my life is going.
somebody please tell me what to do.
somebody please tell me where to go.
everything seems meaningless all of a sudden.
God, did i do this to myself?
did i really walk away from You?
i want what i can't have
and i pray for things that won't happen
so where do i go from here?
i want a love that needs no explanation.
more than romance, i desire intimacy.

i remember you and your funny ways
i remember your laugh and the way you made me smile
we weren't ready then
or perhaps we weren't right for each other
but that doesn't mean that i didn't fake what i felt
and i can't convince myself otherwise.
regardless of my motives, i gave you a piece of my heart
foolish, or otherwise. and i hope you never read this
because i couldn't bear to tell you this in person.
it breaks me, every time i think about it.
the things that were said, the promises that were broken.
and i think i'll spend the rest of my life wondering about you.
if you're doing ok, or if your missing a small piece of yourself.
just like me.

somewhere hiding underneath

i'm buried here, among the living and the dead
those who've given up, and those who don't know they're asleep.
and i'm reaching out one more time to breath in air
but its no longer there. and now, i'm afraid to reach out again.
for what if help isn't there? i'm the desperate reaching for salvation.
its times like these that swearing would make me feel better,
but in order to maintain my moral values, i'll restrain myself.
but then, why do i hold onto these morals? these ideas of what
i think pleases God?
there is a dryness in my mouth, and i have named it Doubt.
no, i haven't fallen away, but i seem to have dropped my flashlight.
and i don't think stepping away will help me, but it looks ever so inviting.
perhaps this is a cry for help.
i need someone to hold me.

raw

i hate your smile and your silence.
i've grown to be disgusted by your conditioned conversation.
and i don't think i feel bad for it either.
because i remember the days we used to laugh and have fun
and now you've grown old and bitter.

closer to me (i'm laying everything on the line)

i'm trying not to be awkward
but i can't help but watch you
swaying to the music in your head
i want to sway with you
i wish you would look at me too
i want you closer to me
i want you closer to me
do you know that my heart would stop
if you grabbed my hand or
if you held me against you
i'll think too hard to
figure out something to say to you
just to hear you say something too.
oh, i want you closer to me
oh, i want you closer
and nothing makes sense anymore
now, nothing makes sense anymore
and when you hug me
i can feel your heartbeat
and for a moment, i
can dream again..

oh, compulsive liar

why are you so afraid to breathe?
is it because you're everything you're not?
is it because you can't ever see?
i can see right through you.
and honestly, i love that inner truth.
beyond the lies, beyond the walls.
don't be afraid to talk to me.

it feeds my soul

and just like it should be
therefore, it is.
and regardless of the means,
the outcome is so much sweeter
than that of the broken storm glass windows.
sometimes i don't understand the
simple contractions that occur in my mind
should i ignore them or accurately name
each and every moment that focuses to play?

windchimes

help me close the shutters
the rain is going to get in
mother doesn't like the cold
she can't handle the wind
i can fly over the world
i can sway with the shooting stars
the moon is my goal
and the trees are my dance floor
hum to me so softly
sing silent words in my ears
twilight is my daytime
the sun puts me to sleep
i can go on and on forever
my mother cries to me
she tells me to come inside
the rain is going to get in and
mother doesn't like the cold
she can't handle the wind

is that alright? (revised)

here's the door, am i supposed to open it?
here's the ball, am i supposed to throw it?
here's the question, am i supposed to shout it?
a change of pace.
there's a lump of fear that i cannot swallow,
there's a tightening in my chest and i can't breathe you in
there's a tear in my eye that will not dry up
there's a shake in my hands and i cannot hold you close
turned over.
i cannot answer why.
i cannot see the sky.
but instead glaze over a photograph of what is depicted as 'life.'
if this is real, how am i supposed to live it?
if this is real, how am i supposed to share it?
if this is real, how am i going to perform it?
if this is real, then this is me.

i just don't know what to do.

i'm watching everything fall down around me
its not even in cemeteries but i feel the cold anyway.
i'm losing everything but my sanity, and even that is slipping
dear God, what am i supposed to do?
i've lost people and i don't see the answers
and a good yesterday doesn't erase tomorrow and
what happens to me when i lose it all?
i don't think you feel my pain,
because i think i carry it all.
and i tried handing it over to you,
but things just kept getting worse.
i'm frustrated and tired and
growing more hopeless all the time
and what am i supposed to do, because
faith just doesn't do it for me anymore.
i can literally feel my heart breaking
and i don't see the promise you made and
i don't know what's worse, dying or losing faith in you.
maybe i'm just overreacting, maybe this is a time for breaking
but i just need to know that you're still here.
i need you to tell me something or even let me feel your hands
oh, God, just whisper words to me.
i don't think i can do this
and i won't write anything more to
distract myself from an emotion indescribable.
i'm closer to wanting to jump and fly away.

what a beautiful face,

with a voice of an angel
i could go on describing him
but this would never end
and i would die before
doing it justice-but,
i'm sitting back and thinking
just how far i'll go before
opening this trapdoor mouth of mine
ha, and to think that all this time
i was afraid to be bold.

off and on. off and on. off and on.

blink. blink.
blank stare
for my mind
isn't really there.

just to be with you

i caught a ray of sunlight today
the clouds, they sang a song just for me
i felt so good though i had nothing to say
and now its too late to say anything to you
these little games will only take me so far
when all i want is just to be with you
oh, just to be with you
but my world keeps on spinning
and another love just beginning
and one day i'll smile again.

what is it to be blown away?

to be moved to compassion from well-placed words?
to be stirred to anger from the injustice?
to be drawn to the quiet heartbeat the comes from the pages?

that is what i look for in these stories, these books.

and every time, i am in awe.

and yet again, i'm praying for a sign

driven to the word of motivation
i want to be able to dream again.
i'm tired of thinking, wishing, hoping.
my eyes have become weak
and my lips have gone dry.
lightening has blurred my vision
and i can't walk on my own anymore.
oh, how i wish that i can feel the wind in my hair
and the sun warm on my back,
or perhaps the rain in my hair?
all i know is that i hunger for freedom.
for starry skies and winter air.

just what the heck am i supposed to do?

frozen hands tense from fear
and to think that i could do this alone
i wonder what you would think of me now
i'm helpless and yet i'm still proud
so foolish and on the verge of breaking
as painful as this is, i hear in the distance
a promise that brings life so warm
and i long to rest my bruised feet
but i still have to walk the rest of the road
but i can't forget that i have a shepherd.

as i was collapsing,

i paused and figured that i could have prevented
these consequences and painful memories
but now its too late and i wish i had the right words to say
but just stumbling through my mind won't make one difference
i simply fall and wait for a sign to rise up and keep on
to the One who gives me grace, to the One who keeps me strong.

oh pitiful

poor wretched child with bleeding hands
come to save yourself and back again
you've been fooled into thinking
little black lies, free and for the taking
with broken feet, you've been crawling
back into the arms of Mercy.

fallen and broken on the ground

a piercing awakening from a fitful sleep
i've suddenly realize that this isn't what i've worked for
or perhaps this is the very thing that i didn't want all along
so why did i...wait, its not important anymore.
so where do i go from here? oh, how i wish i had someone to hold my hand
to help me fight. someone here and now. a smile that could be contagious
and chase away my anxiety and fears. someone real and here.
someone i can believe in. for what's the point in wasting my time
with a sleeping corpse to lead me back to bed?
no, i want LIFE! i want AIR!


i want you.

when in fact, i don't have any

are you real?
are you true?
can it be that i've been wrong all along?
are you there?
can you hear me?
are you listening to me when i call?
is it truth?
can it change me?
will i be different or not change at all?

i can't tell the difference anymore

and i don't get it.
i need someone to explain this to me; someone to talk to about this
there are so many words that i wish to be free from and
yet i stay closed tighter than a safe with no code or brass key
this wall is not breaking and the air is running thin but
can i keep complaining and expect things to be different?
can anyone hear me? is someone there who understands
what it feels like to be a person inside an imaginary prison cell?
so many things i long to feel again, love, and completion.
i read it, write it, sing it, preach it, and yet i don't live by it.
i want to be on the other side of the line between mediocrity and significance.
the place where you are free and broken all at the same time.
i want to walk with a limp and be blessed by God.
i want to wrestle until either i or my environment is changed for the better.

dear, you've been so lost

you wish you had the answers to the pages of questions
you've spent all night thinking of everything else but
right before you fall asleep, you see images of what
you wonder is love that is worth searching for
you run into this question again and again,
is it worth putting yourself last and running with reckless abandon?
because that is that love worth dreaming of, praying for
a love that erases all fear and reminds you that you're in the right place.

how do we know?

how will we ever know?
what else is there to say?
what else is there to do?
what more can we accomplish,
if everyone's a fool?

a return of echoes

i hear them, nightly, and so very quietly
a sweet song that was written for me
and i wish to dance to it with the one
who is singing so wonderfully and
can i start to love you yet?
i want to have that fairy tale dream
and i want the city lights to be my stars
and the sound of traffic to be my wind
and you to be the one who holds my hand.

this is for you.

if i could find out where to start.

i've put myself here without really thinking of the consequences
i tried to figure out what to say to you
but i left before i made a fool of myself and now
you'll never really know that i think the world of you
and every rotation the horses make
and the twinkling lights and the pleasant mistakes
scratchy music that plays a little tune of love
and everyone around me smiles and laughs
but sadly i'll not know how to follow the same
because i kept silent when i should have said all.

i never met a dead man

a physical one, that is.
and to think that we're born
alive, only to end up dead inside.
but when we meet life once again
we have the choice to breathe.

i'm alive.

please forget to go down

broken windows.

cold air fills my lungs
and the wind dances through my hair

i close my eyes and call
but you are already there

please won't you tell me
one more time that you love me
i think i need you more than life
and i need to feel you under my skin

my heart swells when you whisper my name
to know that i'm known and loved
that i belong to you
you're all that i need

even when i walk away
when i choose to turn around
you love me the same
your mind doesn't change
and you catch me when i fall

you're all that i need

clap.clap.clap.

a rhythm. a beat.
bobbing feet hang off the couch.
and they belong to me.
i cannot resist a catchy tune,
even in the worst of moods.
in searching for a moment of calm,
i'll play my music, my world, my reality.
and eyes won't stay the way they've been.
lying awake, sitting asleep.
it's like it wasn't there at all.

at the front of my mind

a familiar song playing softly is what lulls me away from here
i close my eyes in effort to not think of what ages me
i want to know how to do this
to break away from change
to forget about my worries and leave behind the pain
its hard to see when you're blind
its hard to hear what's so quiet
indecision to be broken.
a cold death to be prevented in a heart that's slowly beating
i want a fire so hot and fierce that chases away the darkness
and live to see a promise that was given with requirements.
now is the time, the time to rise up from my bed.
no more sleeping, no more hiding my head
and even if i lose my breath, even if i trip and fall
i now God is with me and He'll catch me when i fall.

i'm holding on

have you ever had a dream that you were trapped underwater?
you reach the surface you find it frozen solid?
what's that feeling? what's the first thing you think of?

i had a dream that i was trapped in a frozen lake.
but i wasn't afraid. i didn't panic.
no, i kept searching for that thin ice.
because i knew it was there. somewhere.
and then i would reach much needed night sky.

i'm dreaming big

i'm writing this blog in hope that in a few weeks, i'll look back on it and found that it came true.
so this is where i think i'll be in a few weeks.

safe and healthy.
employed at a good job.
starting berean or about to.
getting through this grey period.
paying off my debt.
loved by friends.
peaceful.

so, this is a faith thing. i'm going to trust and believe that its going to happen.
and i'll thank God until it happens.

i don't know if i can do this.

this hurts. knowing i have to get rid of everything i own.
i'm packing up clothes, a few bathroom things, maybe a couple of pillows.
and that's it. this is painful for me. to have to get rid of most of my things.
and the truth is, even though i know this is what i have to do, i feel alone on this.
i wish that i felt better about doing this. i wish that i didn't have to make these choices.
if not uncertain, i feel miserable. i wish someone would tell me that its ok. or things
will be ok. i just need to hear it. i need to hear that this will be for the better, for the greater.
i just need to hear it. because my heart is so heavy.

an exerpt of moldy newspaper

and i thought this was to be forgotten
rain running through words and columns
spreading and bleeding into nothing as faded memories
why do i not realize the steadiness of this truth?
and nothing will change except the decay of human life?

i've never thought about it so much until now.

but sometimes i wish that i could start over. it kills me that things will look up and then go so wrong in the same day. i need help. in more ways than one. no, i'm not crazy, but i feel like its inevitable. i'm frustrated because nothing is changing on the outside of it all. i feel like i'm drowning, all the time.
but i'm going to look past the distractions so i can remember that i need God.

the reason i stay in on saturday night.

I don't do this often

My favorite psalm, detailed in my own way.

"God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you; (God, all of me, all that I am, is Yours)
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. (You know what i'm thinking, even if i hide from You and everybody else, You see through my mask)
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight. (there's no where that i can go where You won't follow me)
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!" (You know me closer than my family, my friends, more than anyone. and to know that You know my heart, my dreams, my past, its overwhelming)

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight? (where can I go that You are not there?)
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting! (there is literally nothing i could do that would separate Your love from me. You love me no matter what, conditions and strings to not apply)
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. (i could run away, but You will never leave. You don't become disgusted my my filthy selfish sin, but You chose to love me)

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb. (You lovingly made me to be like You)
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation! (You are so good! You had our relationship in mind when You created my spirit, how You long to know me closer)
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. (You know every detail about me, because You made me. You care about every part of me, You have never once taken Your eyes off me.)

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea. (Your thoughts of me outnumber the grains of sand, I couldn't even count them.)
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good! (God, make me more like You. and in the places that i'm lacking, God, fill every part of me with Your love)
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies! (uh, i'm not sure what to take out of this.)

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.(God, if there is anything about me that is not of You, take it away. I don't want any part of it. i love yo be fully satisfied with knowing that i belong to You.)

i really want to know

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:12

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8

repeat, act, repeat

why am i so wicked? why am i so selfish?
You give me grace to replace the sin,
and yet i always go back to the foolhardy friend.
who's not a friend at all but a wolf in sheep's clothing.
i wonder why You don't give up on me, and continue to
answer my selfish questions, when in reality, i would
give up on me, but i suppose that's why i'm not You.
and though You've always been there, i feel separated
from everything right now. not because of You, but me.
this samantha that's so evil and stubborn, she thinks she can
do it on her own, and she'll stop at nothing to get satisfaction.
i wish that you would kill her, so the small child inside can finally
breathe Your air. the small child that has faith that can never die.
the small child that won't stop until she reaches Your arms.

i just want to be with you.

awkward eyes and stuttered smiles
and i just want to be with you.

words that leave you wanting more
and i just want to be with you.

nervous hands and beating heart
and i just want to be with you.

endless thoughts and lonely nights
and i just want to be with you.

i don't always understand

but God does answer prayers.
in weird ways.
but i'm doing going to say no, hahaha.
no, i'm going to be thankful.
things are starting to look up.

God, i can't do this anymore. i'm a stranger with no home. and it doesn't matter what i do because in the end, it doesn't end up making a difference. i've prayed and cried, and nothing has changed for the better. so i want to know when You're going to do something?
if not, i don't think i can live like this. this fear of mocking, i'm so afraid to be honest or ask for help because...i wouldn't get help from..it doesn't matter anyway.
i've never felt this sad. i feel broken, and i can't find something to
distract myself with. i've tried and failed. i asked you to do something, anything,
and yet again, nothing. no answer. what do i have to do to get your attention???
i know i'm nothing. i know i'm selfish. i know that i don't know everything.
but can't you tell me what to do? or somehow provide?
because my heart is here. and i know things are changing. but i'm not going anywhere else.
even if things get difficult. but you're not giving me much of a choice. i mean, what the heck am i supposed to do? i'm so afraid of bringing shame to..
and once...then, i suppose i don't have to worry. but God, i can't do this. i hurt.
i hurt so badly. i can't breathe right. i can't think about anything else. and i feel myself slipping into an even bigger depression.
if this is something i brought upon myself, then i'm sorry.
if anything, i'm learning to be less selfish, but i feel tortured. like you're playing with me. and that's not the God i read about in the bible.
i don't mean to be a heretic, or disrespectful, i'm just trying to figure out who you are.
and i can't survive being hurt again. and if i can't trust you, then there is no one else.
so please, please, God. do something. please talk to me, send me a sign, a word, something!
because i'm hanging by a thread and i can't promise to hang on for much longer.
please do what you promised to do.

its just that its delicate

i might sing when i'm alone
to no one in particular
i could cry every time
things go so wrong or i
could release the cold.
its not that i'm emotionless or
without sorrow
its just that its delicate.
i feel the ball of pain swelling in my throat
forcing tears that promise nothing at all
and i can't help but wonder when
things are going to get easier.
i'm running into trees that refuse to move
and i'm given many options but
not many too choose
and i know what i don't want
but there's no where for me to go.
i might reach out to someone
but what if they're a ghost?
there when not wanted
gone when i need them the most?
is there such thing as Favor?
or is the lack of one named Test?
and i'm running and running
to nowhere in particular
things that are so meaningless
are now the very things that are depressing me
and as much as this word play used to satisfy my
cravings for distraction, i'm afraid that this makes things worse.

God, would you please listen to me for just one second?
I need you more than I need air, or life.
And I can't help it if I seem pitiful or meek,
because the truth is, I can't do anything without You.
And if I'm going in the right direction, please God,
show me that I'm still in Your sight.
Because I'm a failure without You.

a moment of raw truth:

i've got no answers. no solutions.
the only directions i have are to go and don't stop.
i'm tired, and yet i have to keep going.
i'm sick, and yet i have to push farther.
i'm emotionally drained, and the words, "don't give up" are resonating in my mind.
when does it get to the point that i'm done?
i don't want to be out of love, but in love.
i'm asking for a familiar reason.
a question answered with another question, if you will.

i have a nasty headache. i get those when i cry.
i'm fighting the urge to close myself off.
and God still wants me to love others.
and i do. and i always will.

lights out for me, sleep is so tempting right now, and i'm about to give in.
peace out,
samantha

how can you live far away when this is your home?

home is where your heart is.
i don't have a home anymore.
and i don't know where my heart is.
i'm trying to make sense of all this.
and i feel like i have too much to handle.
there are times when i feel peace.
there are times when i have hope.
but then there are times when i feel like i am all alone on this.
i don't know who i can trust or depend on.
so i'm trying to make friends.
depend on people that i know will help me.
people that i can trust.
but it is really hard.
because Samantha is breaking.
Samantha is falling apart.
Samantha needs someone.

i know our love is new.

the more i struggle with, the more i know i need God.
but now, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
it is very small, and the tunnel is long, but i know that i can
reach it. i know that i can make it through.
and i can finally smile again.
my purpose isn't in my approval.
my approval isn't found in people's opinions.
i haven't completely gotten over this dark spot in my life.
but i am not alone. and i will get through this.

i feel so humble with all of the opportunites that i have to pour into
people's lives. i know i don't deserve it and that i'm not the most perfect
person, but i can't imagine my life without this. i genuinely love all the people that i spend time with, adults and teens. it makes me smile knowing that i'm helping lead people in the right direction. i'm glad that i'm at the place where i'm at. i'm growing and learning and realizing what love really is.

tomorrow is my last day of work. can't say that i'm going to miss it. i didn't hate being a lunch lady, but i'm glad i won't have to get up so early. but i definitely need another job. i hope i get the best of both worlds: great hours and great pay.
anyway, i have to get up early, so goodbye for now,

love,
samantha gannon

i missed your skin.

sometimes, a song will play and i'm compelled to think.

"if all our lives are but a dream,
fantastic posing greed,
then we should feed our jewelry to the sea.
for diamonds do appear to be
just like broken glass to me"

i think panic at the disco is on to something here. perhaps, life is like a dream, short and fleeting. and truly we live our lives in a self-serving manner. but in realizing this, material possessions have no meaning. because at the end of our lives, do things really matter?

just something to think about.

around the corner

i've been given a promise. but i'm afraid to hold Him at His word.

isn't this the very thing that i tell others to live by? obedience? 

and yet, faith is so hard to come by these days.

but i'm trying. i'm going to take a step of faith.

i think what will make it different this time is that i won't be in control.

for once, i'm going to trust God to provide. even if He doesn't do another thing for me for the rest of my life, if God were just to touch me, if He would just speak to me, i would live happy. 

i so strongly desire to just hear from God. just to spend hours of time with Him. to sit down and listen to what He has to say. He knows so many things about me, about life, and about this world.

i miss the times that i would cry during worship. i miss the sore throats after praying all night. i miss the tired body from serving in the ministry. i miss living for something other than myself. but i believe that God will honor that and He will fulfill His promise soon.

lights out, 

Samantha

in all of this

lost. alone. without direction or confidence in myself.

a roller coaster of problems and false solutions. 

i'm so angry and hurt because nothing is going even ok anymore.

and in all of this, 

i ask God,

"where are You?"

i'm waiting for His answer. and i'm not moving until He answers me.

loose sweatpants and tight t-shirts.

its getting harder and harder for me to control my thoughts.

its funny how right my sunday school teacher was.

read your bible, pray every day, and you will grow, grow, grow.

neglect your bible, forget to pray, and you will shrink, shrink, shrink.

i never went to children's church, but i think the kids are on to something.

i'm going to start writing again.

in desperation

i feel like i'm starved. like i'm slowly deteriorating. like sand when the waves hit it.

i'm so desperate for a touch from God. i need to hear His voice. I know that i'm not being faithful. i know that i don't deserve it. but i want it. and it says in the bible that if i will seek Him, i will find Him if i'm seeking Him with my whole heart. i don't know how to be more transparent. i'm so tired of routine worship. i'm so tired of mundane prayer. i want a real moment with God. i want to wake up in the morning with hope in my heart. i want to smile for no reason. i want to be totally shaken to the core. i want a new season. i want to be blessed so i can bless others.

but right now, i want sleep.

this is for you.

i have a heart that's begging to be touched.

a mind waiting for a revelation of wisdom.

my hands are stretched high to touch the one that loves me.

the one who is stretching me and therefore, is stepping further

and further away, just like a dad steps away to watch his child walk 

to him. for what is it but another chance to learn and to love my father?

i'm wanting to grow and trust.

and the simplest realization came to me:

He's still here.

and He will bless me.

so for all the people that God has given me a word for, all the people that God has used me to encourage, know that through all of this, i too have been begging and crying and dying on the inside. i too am not perfect and i too get tempted. i remember the mistakes i've made and the people that have hurt me and the people that i've broken. 

but remember what i told you. God is faithful. and He will carry you through. i'm praying for you guys, and i genuinely love you. and you can come to me about anything and trust that i'll love you no matter what. and if you read this, next time we see each other, give me a hug. i'm sure that we'll both need it.

much love,

samantha.

is this coincidence or a sign?

i've had a wonderful life. i've been to jamaica, nicaragua, and poland. i've been all over the U.S., traveling all over. i've been to almost every club in dallas. i've had my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first love and heartbreak. i've known great joy and great tragedy. i've been close to dying, and i remember waking up hours later knowing that i'll live. i've seen birth and death. i've laughed, cried, and even have done both at the same time. i've made friends, enemies, and people that i've kept at the acquaintance level. i've had crazy jobs, crazy friends, and i have a wonderful church. i've hated God in the past, and now i know God and I love Him so much.

i've had a full life so far. 

and yet, i'm not satisfied.

there's got to be more to this.

so i won't stop searching for the next step.

all my life, i've tried so hard

it seems like every break i get something else comes along. i find it hard to focus these days. i can no longer see the stars from where i'm standing. i almost cried today and i felt so sad. i feel like i'm failing at everything i'm doing.

so where do i go from here? how to i move on to a different place?

i'm longing for something to change.

and i'm looking for God to give me peace and still my racing thoughts.

this is the rawest i've ever felt.

i couldn't be more honest.

sweaty nights.

i tossed and turned, and finally it was time for me to get up for work. at the lovely time of 5:30 a.m. i couldn't sleep because for some reason i was hot. which isn't rare, but i do keep the air cold at night to prevent this very problem.

i was too hot to sleep but too sleepy to do anything about it. thus, i'm tired as heck and i have a semi-long day ahead of me.

first day of work, and i'm slightly nervous. i don't know why, its not like i've dreamed of having this job. in fact, i've been slightly dreading this job. what i'm am looking forward to is the paycheck.

if i'm not too tired, i'll talk about how incredibly awesome my day was, but if i can't do anything else but crawl into bed, i'll just wait until later.

i hate waking up early in the morning.

sleeping in an empty house

things i remember from childhood.

carol burnett and liza minnelli.

 

full house.

captain planet.

the original power rangers.

tell me that all you need is time.

i want to be moved out of this blind spot. to be out of control. to be drawn in by the music. to run away from fears and tears. i want to go too far to change and turn back. i want to watch a sunset. to listen to the night sky. i want to see the stars shine and hear the crickets sing. i would love to be held tight. and sleep easy.

and for the first time in a long time, i believe that its going to happen.

its time to open the front door.

ups and downs.

i wonder when i'll have a balance. when things are going to stay the same.

i desire intimacy and consistency more than ever.

i understand now that i need love.

that i must learn how to love.

i want to be close to someone, i just know this in my heart.

i guess we'll see what happens.

in search of a comfy couch

i'm in an empty gray room. its cold and smells stale. i can't leave because i worked so hard to get in, it just doesn't seem worth it to leave yet.

when i first entered the room, i was deceived by the beautiful details that the door carried. why, certainly the door that held so much allure gave way to a room adorned with similar beauty.

but i was wrong. upon entering the room, i was frightened when a chilling draft caused the door to slam shut. and shame reddened my cheeks. what a fool i am.

which brings me to the present.

what do i do? i can hardly breathe because of the thickening dust, and can't see much through what little light peeks through the dark drapes.

i hear voices outside. i'm so humiliated because i know that if i walk out now, people will know.

searching the room a little more closely, i spot a chair in the corner of the room.

a chipped wooden excuse of a chair. well, its better than nothing.

am i always this compromising? 

i sit and wait patiently for people to pass my room by.

the sun was always in her eyes. (this one's two years old, too)

My beloved and dear child, do you remember Me?

don’t forget about Me and please don’t leave Me.

can you remember My voice?

you are My special one and I love you.

come running into My arms.

can you see Me?

can you hear Me?

I’m right here and I love you.

I never left you alone, My beautiful one.

I gave up everything for you.

run to Me and I can make you Mine once again.

I love you My child.

leave the world behind and forget your past.

I am all that you need.

I have everything for you.

I want to wipe away your tears and make you smile again.

I love you; don’t hide from Me anymore.

I’ll give you more than you’ve ever asked Me for.

come running to me, I’m waiting with arms wide open.

I’m here waiting for you.

I’ve been waiting for so long.

do you trust Me?

I can make you new, make the sun shine, and put peace in you again.

just leave it all behind. 

I’ve got so much more waiting just for you.

My precious love, I love you so much.

I want to be your one and only; to pick you up and carry you in My arms again because I love you.

come to Me in this quiet place and I’ll give you My love and My grace.

I love you, My beautiful one.

I’ve got big things in store for you.

I want be a part of you and place My love inside of you

believe in Me and just abandon it all and run to Me.

My love, My joy, you mean the world to Me

I love you.

I always have.

I always will.

it doesn’t matter what you did, I’ve loved you through it all

let go of this sickening sin that separates you and Me.

I’ll pick you up and help you find your place again.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

i wrote this two years ago when i gave up.

i feel like You're the only one i can run to

when they're against me

and when i'm alone in my darkest moment

You give me the desperation to be in perfect peace

but did i think i'd forget how weak i am?

did i think i wouldn't fall under my own pride?

that i wouldn't try to persuade You to let me leave

so i would be exempt from conviction?

quietly i keep still tonight

an imperfect vanishing mask 

is all that's left to be taken

i promised i'd never leave You

nevermind that i'm not satisfied 

with where i am at in life

but, am i rumored to be, can i say it, carefree

with all i ever fought for in life

only to be rewarded with consequences 

You told me to be broken with the purpose of 

You dying to make me valuable

i wanted You to breath for me too

revisit to a time when i

thought i was deteriorating

but was only being molded

look at the way i used to thrive

a child playing in the light reflections from the window

when i could look inside my chest

and see what made my heart beat

before its too late, Jesus

shatter the walls blocking me from reality

causing my evils to build brick walls between me and You

take back what made my soul survive

i feel so lost 

surrounded by my feeble attempts

to make my intentions even half-clear

i'm only destined to fail on my own

this is my last chance before i die again

let me be perfectly honest, dear children:

it hurts to live a lie

untitled.

i hate it when i can't think of a title. its an humbling problem to a writer.

and why is it so easy to fall back than to walk forward?

honestly, i'll  never lie about the fact that this is hard and painful.

and not necessarily rewarding on my timing.

come to think of it, all i have are promises. 

but i guess that's more than being hopeless. 

right?

i'm going to read my bible today.

and i'm going to listen. 

hard.

but after i sleep. it is, after all, 1 a.m., and i'm tired.

how can you live far away?

its almost easier to leave. 

to run far away from home.

but i'm not alone anymore.

and i know that with time

everything will fall into place.

like leaves falling into the river,

i'll watch my life go by.

and one day, i'll look back on all this

and smile.

when you want to run away from here

stop. breathe.

its going to be ok.

i love you the same

and nothing has changed

keep your eyes above and 

not below with your feet in the mud

watch me, i made the stars that shine

and the sun rise that sings warmth

i'm the feeling of peace

the one that brings completion

trust me, i see what's coming ahead

so don't fall keeping an eye on the past

i know you tried so hard.

i know you can't run for much longer.

if you can't come to me,

wait, and i'll come carry you home.

mr. kite

chilling at the house watching movies. its dark outside and i have the curtains open. i honestly don't care if people can see inside the house. 

i've always wanted to drive with the windows down on a highway, fields on either side. into the sunset. my favorite shades and singing along to the music with my best friend. driving to no where in particular. 

sleeping with the windows open. listening to someone singing to me softly. 

an answer to my prayers. a moment of revelation.

these are things i dream of.

a weathered red bench

is it possible to be so sad that it makes you tired? to be so broken that your heart hurts? to be awake at three in the morning because tears won't stop coming? to cry out desperately to God to make these feelings go away..and they don't? why? 

why above all else, does sadness outweigh joy? or even mere happiness? i would trade a moment of distraction that happiness brings if i could forget how alone i feel. 

i don't feel separation from God. nor from people. quite the opposite, really. but i can't escape this feeling of emptiness. i don't know how to describe it. or explain it. 

but i know that it causes me pain.

i remember i used to sit in my backyard on this old red bench. constant weathering and the abuse from my brothers made it not much to look at. but i loved sitting on this bench. i don't know why, but i miss that. i miss sitting outside and just breathing. i wish that i could share myself. to be open with someone. but i can't. i don't know how to trust anyone anymore. and so, in the end, i'm left feeling like i'm missing out in life somehow. like i'm running into this window. a window that keeps me from being free. and i can see on the other side, the laughter, the music, the love. but i can't break this window.

it just won't break.

i feel sick all the time

and honestly, i miss my brother.

the shores of the ocean

cold air fills my lungs
and the wind dances through my hair
i close my eyes and call
but you are already there

please won't you tell me
one more time that you love me
i think i need you more than life
and i need to feel you under my skin

my heart swells when you whisper my name
to know that i'm known and loved
that i belong to you 
you're all that i need

even when i walk away
when i choose to turn around
you love me the same
your mind doesn't change
and you catch me when i fall

you're all that i need

a sore neck and a runny nose.

I haven't been this stressed since high school. Trying to find a better job while scraping up all the money I can is wearing me out. I don't even have the money to pay my bills.

But I know that I will be ok. Better than just ok. I'll be more than fine.

But I won't know until I get out of bed.

ashes and flames

Today I have done some serious thinking. Questions swimming in my mind caused me to pause my everyday routine and wander down a path less traveled by. Perhaps a path not traveled enough.

To think of my past and my mindsets. My emotions and thoughts that were betrayed or proven wrong. My heart that was hurt and my personality discouraged.

The person that I was and the person I performed in front of others.

It truly saddens me; the life that I have wasted. 

But what is my life summed up to?

What will I leave behind when I die?

Is everything that I stand for really make a difference?

Is what I spend most of my time doing really worth it?

Am I wasting my life or am I making something of it?

out of my mind

I've officially moved out of my parents house. 

No really. I have.

Honestly? I feel alone and outside of the world. But I'm pretty sure that will go away. I always told myself that when I moved out of the house, I would live it up, party all the time, and work at a job that I loved. 

I'm at this moment watching House reruns and working on my homework online. Oh, and tomorrow, I have a job interview to work food services for GISD.

I'm living the life, huh.

front porch

I was torn today. I had to make a choice: do what I needed to do or say goodbye. I chose the later. I wonder if I'm going to regret that. Maybe I'll put that aside for later. Tomorrow, I'm going to over-charge the lady that I nanny for. Why? Because I don't like to be taken advantage of.

Today, I have nothing whimsical. 

Nothing poetic.

Not even thought-provoking.

My mind is somewhere else.

I wish I had a front porch.

deeper than deep

So big changes are about to ensue. From what? Lots of things. My own brother is being put in a program for drug addicts and the sort. So he'll straighten up. Of course, he's not addicted to anything. Nor is he a criminal. He just sucks at being mature. 

Which causes me to smile. Wasn't I the same way not two years ago? I made terrible mistakes, rash decisions, and irreversible consequences went down because of it. But I learned that to get respect in this world, you must deserve it. 

Worthy of your title. I don't have the energy to emphasize on that; you'll have to let that go, reader.

But back to the beginning of this blog. My brother is leaving tomorrow. I really do hope that he figures out what he's doing and where he needs to go in life. I hope he grows into the man I know he can be. Because he deserves it. Don't we all deserve to have joy in life?

opening act

the show's about to start. a finite mind on a journey to discover and possibly reinvent a mindset of truth. a book of answers waiting to be opened.

and all i have to do is trust.

what a frightening thing to ask.