mr. kite

chilling at the house watching movies. its dark outside and i have the curtains open. i honestly don't care if people can see inside the house. 

i've always wanted to drive with the windows down on a highway, fields on either side. into the sunset. my favorite shades and singing along to the music with my best friend. driving to no where in particular. 

sleeping with the windows open. listening to someone singing to me softly. 

an answer to my prayers. a moment of revelation.

these are things i dream of.

a weathered red bench

is it possible to be so sad that it makes you tired? to be so broken that your heart hurts? to be awake at three in the morning because tears won't stop coming? to cry out desperately to God to make these feelings go away..and they don't? why? 

why above all else, does sadness outweigh joy? or even mere happiness? i would trade a moment of distraction that happiness brings if i could forget how alone i feel. 

i don't feel separation from God. nor from people. quite the opposite, really. but i can't escape this feeling of emptiness. i don't know how to describe it. or explain it. 

but i know that it causes me pain.

i remember i used to sit in my backyard on this old red bench. constant weathering and the abuse from my brothers made it not much to look at. but i loved sitting on this bench. i don't know why, but i miss that. i miss sitting outside and just breathing. i wish that i could share myself. to be open with someone. but i can't. i don't know how to trust anyone anymore. and so, in the end, i'm left feeling like i'm missing out in life somehow. like i'm running into this window. a window that keeps me from being free. and i can see on the other side, the laughter, the music, the love. but i can't break this window.

it just won't break.

i feel sick all the time

and honestly, i miss my brother.

the shores of the ocean

cold air fills my lungs
and the wind dances through my hair
i close my eyes and call
but you are already there

please won't you tell me
one more time that you love me
i think i need you more than life
and i need to feel you under my skin

my heart swells when you whisper my name
to know that i'm known and loved
that i belong to you 
you're all that i need

even when i walk away
when i choose to turn around
you love me the same
your mind doesn't change
and you catch me when i fall

you're all that i need

a sore neck and a runny nose.

I haven't been this stressed since high school. Trying to find a better job while scraping up all the money I can is wearing me out. I don't even have the money to pay my bills.

But I know that I will be ok. Better than just ok. I'll be more than fine.

But I won't know until I get out of bed.

ashes and flames

Today I have done some serious thinking. Questions swimming in my mind caused me to pause my everyday routine and wander down a path less traveled by. Perhaps a path not traveled enough.

To think of my past and my mindsets. My emotions and thoughts that were betrayed or proven wrong. My heart that was hurt and my personality discouraged.

The person that I was and the person I performed in front of others.

It truly saddens me; the life that I have wasted. 

But what is my life summed up to?

What will I leave behind when I die?

Is everything that I stand for really make a difference?

Is what I spend most of my time doing really worth it?

Am I wasting my life or am I making something of it?