the buddy system

it has occurred to me that simply having the right answers is not enough.
for 8 years, i have been telling myself that if there was a god, then doing the do's and don't's of christianity would fix this depression, this hole in my chest.
out of the many friends that i have, none truly know what i struggle with, the dreams that have been crushed in my life.
at this point in my life, i don't have enough faith to know what real love is.
i don't even think i know what real faith is.

but i've been reminded of something.
my life, all of our lives, are like a journey.
we're born, we live, we die.
and sometime between the beginning and the end, we pursue what we think will satisfy us. rarely do we think about after we die, because who would with a life full of dreams and goals?
and for what? a life of fame, success, a legacy? what kind of legacy? and to who?
who is going to remember us ten, fifty, 100 years from now?
and honestly, i've gone from poor to wealthy and now i'm back to poor.
i've had my highs and lows.
i've spent nights lonely and depressed.
because of what? what am i doing wrong? is this what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

i don't want that. i don't want to just make it. i don't want to barely make it.
i want to love just for the sake of loving. i want to be good, not out of obligation, but because that is who i am.
i want to reach out and touch someone.
i don't want to be selfish. i want to share my life with someone.
i want to look past all the despair and hopelessness around me and follow the only God that i can trust in.
the one who has never failed me.
the one who never will stop loving me.

turn. smile. shift. repeat. (same thought, new perspective)

we know our life is going nowhere,
why do we keep making the same mistakes?
if nothing is changing for the better,
why do we give up and do nothing?
why is it easier to pretend like nothing is wrong?
each day begins another monotonous routine.


i feel an urgency to break out of the norm.

no fun. no games.

i want to be better
i want to be happy.
i want to be here for others
i want to be the reason others smile
but no matter what happens,
something goes wrong in the end.
i can choose better choices
and days can be easy
but why does the sun go away
why does the moon hide its face?
i ran out into the street
and no one warned me to stop
and just like that, i was gone
all by myself, i'm living life
and the more i try to be good
the more i realize that i'll never be.
i keep forgetting to keep the candle lit
my hands are burnt from the wax dripping
and my cheeks are hot from the tears falling
i have no hands to hold,
no arms to hold me down
there is a weight on my chest
and all that it has inside is pain
is there a way to change the channel?
i feel like i'm slipping from reality
and even the old rags don't keep me warm anymore

oh, happy day.

my days are numbered, my moments are few
my life is fleeting and my choices cause pain
and yesterday's friends are today's strangers
rocking chairs weather and sunsets turn to dusk
i sing for exoneration, i cry out for mercy
i saw the skyline while driving on the highway
and it caused a smile to play on my lips
and the very sounds of laughter escaped them
despite what trouble may lie ahead
i will remember the table prepared before me
and i will feast on hope and love
even in the presence of darkness and separation
and i will know that He is still in control.

five minutes.

an elderly lady crossed the street.
her grocery bags fell and rolled into the road.
not one person stopped to help her,
people kept walking as if she were not there.
a couple of teenagers walking down the sidewalk.
the girl, very pregnant, and the boy, guiding her.
she seemed broken, tears falling down her face
nose was red, and eyes were swollen.
the boy, protecting her from traffic
had his arm around her shoulders and whispering
attempting to calm her down but i could see distress in his eyes.
all of this i saw in less than five minutes.
it reminds me that this world really has no hope.
only feeble attempts to distract them from their self-induced pain.
God, please don't' look away.
remind Your children of their first Love.
call us back into Your arms.
forgive us of our attempts to live without You.
God come back to me.