sleeping in an empty house

things i remember from childhood.

carol burnett and liza minnelli.

 

full house.

captain planet.

the original power rangers.

tell me that all you need is time.

i want to be moved out of this blind spot. to be out of control. to be drawn in by the music. to run away from fears and tears. i want to go too far to change and turn back. i want to watch a sunset. to listen to the night sky. i want to see the stars shine and hear the crickets sing. i would love to be held tight. and sleep easy.

and for the first time in a long time, i believe that its going to happen.

its time to open the front door.

ups and downs.

i wonder when i'll have a balance. when things are going to stay the same.

i desire intimacy and consistency more than ever.

i understand now that i need love.

that i must learn how to love.

i want to be close to someone, i just know this in my heart.

i guess we'll see what happens.

in search of a comfy couch

i'm in an empty gray room. its cold and smells stale. i can't leave because i worked so hard to get in, it just doesn't seem worth it to leave yet.

when i first entered the room, i was deceived by the beautiful details that the door carried. why, certainly the door that held so much allure gave way to a room adorned with similar beauty.

but i was wrong. upon entering the room, i was frightened when a chilling draft caused the door to slam shut. and shame reddened my cheeks. what a fool i am.

which brings me to the present.

what do i do? i can hardly breathe because of the thickening dust, and can't see much through what little light peeks through the dark drapes.

i hear voices outside. i'm so humiliated because i know that if i walk out now, people will know.

searching the room a little more closely, i spot a chair in the corner of the room.

a chipped wooden excuse of a chair. well, its better than nothing.

am i always this compromising? 

i sit and wait patiently for people to pass my room by.

the sun was always in her eyes. (this one's two years old, too)

My beloved and dear child, do you remember Me?

don’t forget about Me and please don’t leave Me.

can you remember My voice?

you are My special one and I love you.

come running into My arms.

can you see Me?

can you hear Me?

I’m right here and I love you.

I never left you alone, My beautiful one.

I gave up everything for you.

run to Me and I can make you Mine once again.

I love you My child.

leave the world behind and forget your past.

I am all that you need.

I have everything for you.

I want to wipe away your tears and make you smile again.

I love you; don’t hide from Me anymore.

I’ll give you more than you’ve ever asked Me for.

come running to me, I’m waiting with arms wide open.

I’m here waiting for you.

I’ve been waiting for so long.

do you trust Me?

I can make you new, make the sun shine, and put peace in you again.

just leave it all behind. 

I’ve got so much more waiting just for you.

My precious love, I love you so much.

I want to be your one and only; to pick you up and carry you in My arms again because I love you.

come to Me in this quiet place and I’ll give you My love and My grace.

I love you, My beautiful one.

I’ve got big things in store for you.

I want be a part of you and place My love inside of you

believe in Me and just abandon it all and run to Me.

My love, My joy, you mean the world to Me

I love you.

I always have.

I always will.

it doesn’t matter what you did, I’ve loved you through it all

let go of this sickening sin that separates you and Me.

I’ll pick you up and help you find your place again.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

i wrote this two years ago when i gave up.

i feel like You're the only one i can run to

when they're against me

and when i'm alone in my darkest moment

You give me the desperation to be in perfect peace

but did i think i'd forget how weak i am?

did i think i wouldn't fall under my own pride?

that i wouldn't try to persuade You to let me leave

so i would be exempt from conviction?

quietly i keep still tonight

an imperfect vanishing mask 

is all that's left to be taken

i promised i'd never leave You

nevermind that i'm not satisfied 

with where i am at in life

but, am i rumored to be, can i say it, carefree

with all i ever fought for in life

only to be rewarded with consequences 

You told me to be broken with the purpose of 

You dying to make me valuable

i wanted You to breath for me too

revisit to a time when i

thought i was deteriorating

but was only being molded

look at the way i used to thrive

a child playing in the light reflections from the window

when i could look inside my chest

and see what made my heart beat

before its too late, Jesus

shatter the walls blocking me from reality

causing my evils to build brick walls between me and You

take back what made my soul survive

i feel so lost 

surrounded by my feeble attempts

to make my intentions even half-clear

i'm only destined to fail on my own

this is my last chance before i die again

let me be perfectly honest, dear children:

it hurts to live a lie

untitled.

i hate it when i can't think of a title. its an humbling problem to a writer.

and why is it so easy to fall back than to walk forward?

honestly, i'll  never lie about the fact that this is hard and painful.

and not necessarily rewarding on my timing.

come to think of it, all i have are promises. 

but i guess that's more than being hopeless. 

right?

i'm going to read my bible today.

and i'm going to listen. 

hard.

but after i sleep. it is, after all, 1 a.m., and i'm tired.

how can you live far away?

its almost easier to leave. 

to run far away from home.

but i'm not alone anymore.

and i know that with time

everything will fall into place.

like leaves falling into the river,

i'll watch my life go by.

and one day, i'll look back on all this

and smile.

when you want to run away from here

stop. breathe.

its going to be ok.

i love you the same

and nothing has changed

keep your eyes above and 

not below with your feet in the mud

watch me, i made the stars that shine

and the sun rise that sings warmth

i'm the feeling of peace

the one that brings completion

trust me, i see what's coming ahead

so don't fall keeping an eye on the past

i know you tried so hard.

i know you can't run for much longer.

if you can't come to me,

wait, and i'll come carry you home.