so so so..what??

so these past few days have been weird and awesome all at the same time. :)
i won't say anything more for the risk of it getting out and into the world.
but i'm putting doubt and skepticism aside for the moment and enjoying the attention.
and yes, i am enjoying it.

my will be done, it is my choice.

i don't know why i love this song so much.
maybe its the music.
maybe its the message behind the song.
i don't know, but i want to share it with you.

i'm pretty frustrated.

so maybe it's a lot harder than i thought.
i really am trying. but i'm tired all the time.
i'm reading my bible more, and thinking about God
all the time.

but what i want most of all is an
actual physical relationship with someone.
someone to talk and laugh with,
spend time with,
someone i can trust and who actually listens to me.
i just want a companion. because i'm tired of being lonely.

sometimes i wonder

well, it has been a while. i guess habits can actually die quite easily.
um, basics:
i miss dallas friends.
i miss going to garland first.
things are getting smoother in austin.
i'm still making mistakes.
i'm getting closer and closer to buying a car.
and it seems like i want to be capable of loving someone.
geez, not that again.

too long.

geez, it has been way to long since i've written anything. basically i've been transitioning into austin. today i looked for jobs.
things are getting easier at the house. i'm attempting to lose weight. my ipod broke. (want to buy me one for my birthday??)
and i miss every single one of my friends.

my mood is way better, but i'm still feeling the stress. but hey, things have been worse, it can only get better from here.

i'm currently remembering a song i used to sing when i was in the church choir:
"the best is yet to come
the best is yet to come
oh, the best is yet to come"

and you better believe that i am holding onto that promise. i don't know where i am going this year. i don't know how i'm going to end up, where, or when. but i am definitely starting to take life a little more seriously.
but that doesn't mean that i can't have fun...

samantha

moving away.

gosh, i'm going to miss everyone and everything.
i'm going to miss this feeling.
i'm going to miss you. and the fact that i couldn't be honest with myself and you.
i'm sorry. i love you.



samantha

here we go.

i'm going to move to austin on saturday. how i feel about it??? i don't know. i'm incredibly sad. excited to see what comes next, but definitely going to miss all of my friends.
i could name you all, all the people who've left an impact on my life. but at the risk of forgetting someone's name, i'll resist the temptation.
anyway, this is the first journal entry i'm making in this particular blog.
oh, and i'm in desperate need of some money. i'm broke, no joke.
i'm starting my photography business after i break out with the website. or vise versa.
i'm realizing that i had a lot of fake friends. friends that came and then went. but i have a lot more real friends. young and old. :)
even though some are doing things that i wish they wouldn't, i love them too much to judge them.
(i'm here for you no matter what. i'll love you, i'll listen to you, i'll play around with you.)

anyway, a new life is about to start.
a six month long process.
i don't know where i'm going to end up exactly.
i don't know how much i'm going to change.
but i'm going to strive for bigger and better.
(except my waistline, of course. hopefully that'll shrink a little bit.)

so this is it. a goodbye and a hello.
i love you guys,
samantha marie gannon

new season.

this has now become my "dear diary."
if reading my poems is what you want to do, then please go to:
http://samanthagannon.wordpress.com


thanks so much,
samantha

hourglass.

waking up, it has hit me
that life can change in an instance.
why so vague, so distant?
why so unpredictable and uncontrollable?
i tried to hold you in my hands,
and there you go,
slipping right through my fingers like sand.

church bulletin

slow heartbeats rhythm through tired veins
and ragged breaths are done in vain.
start. stop. fast, pause.
the choice is yours,
i can't decide at all.

playing with your hair

i saw your well dressed formalities
come up and watched were we had familiarities.
i thought it was all too good to be true.
and i took another second glance,
compared it to what i had seen last.
you took my words and you turned it into thread.
but i can hold your hand and i understand what you feel.
you've been scared to tell me something
even though said really nothing.
i've asked you, 'what do you want me to do for you?'
and you went off and ran to hide for nothing better.
the futile attempts only made you dirtier.
so now, you come to me filthy instead.
but i can hold your hand and i understand what you feel.

i don't want to sleep.

apathy.
its contagious and unfortunate.
causes one to count minutes
until sleep comes.
i can hear you breathing,
my personal bedtime story,
body wrapped up in warmth
and i still feel, it just doesn't register
anymore.
la la la
the room's quiet creaking becomes angelic
i wait for the light to come early
in the hour between darkness and daylight.
but as for now, your soft sleeping eyes
are all i want to watch.

heartfelt unspoken.

eyes shut tight, they are searching inside.
feet fidgeting, wanting to move to where you are
lungs cease breathing, its hard to remember
when i breath you in
inside.
wandering thoughts, pure and dreaming.
i cannot tell you how i feel.
and i, well, i couldn't guess if you felt the same.
nothing can really change.
my fingers play this game
where they pretend to hold yours.
you're the first one that i considered real,
and i don't want to leave until i know for sure.

forfeit the inevitable just a little longer

orange carpet
fans on with the windows open
close your eyes and listen to the music
there's something in the way the beat plays
it makes you want to lie there forever.
you hear the humming and singing.
just you and the one you want to be with,
you don't want it to change
the air is stale and there's smoke near the ceiling.
life couldn't be more perfect
your mind usually races, but at this moment,
nothing else exists.

stiff and stolen.

pale and lonely
in a room full of nothing
i can peek through the blinds
and hope for the sun rise
my eyes feel as if they’re no longer blue.
dazed and lost, i know where i am.
scrambled thoughts, i can’t catch them.
for now, its seems as though it wasn’t worth it.
mistakes, i make them daily, hourly.
just did it again, just did it again, just did it again.
Jesus, i think, by now, You’re tired of hearing my excuses.
for compared to Your judgement, they’re useless.
so all i can say, is nothing.
beg. cry.
close
my
eyes
and
sleep.

i forgot again today.

i watch​ the ceili​ng at night​.​
shado​ws flick​er and fight​.​
until​ i close​ my eyes and find
mysel​f dream​ing again​.​
i hate these​ lies.​
i try to run and hide.​
but i know that'​s just life.​
and i cry cold tears​ insid​e.​
my thoug​hts are all mine.​
they move and they chang​e all the time.​
they focus​ as sharp​ as a knife​.​
they cut my heart​ to piece​s.​
i ask Jesus​ for His time.​
to fix feet broke​n and eyes blind​.​
He asks me inste​ad for my mind.​
my will break​s at His feet.​
and i still​ feel it,
this dark blank​et insid​e of my lungs​.​
but i still​ reach​ out,
and remin​d my mouth​ to keep movin​g
and to play the recor​d til the end.

bicycles and sidewalks.

sidew​alk chalk​ and bubbl​e gum,
sweet​ smell​s and tangl​ed hair.​
does life reall​y ever matte​r
more than we seem to care?​
this is the sound​ of sunli​ght and sunbu​rns,​
wishe​s that child​ren make
and adult​s remin​isce upon.​
i remem​ber tall green​ grass​ and
rough​ roads​ that i ran upon.​
big green​ trees​ that bats slept​ in
was my hideo​ut,​ my fortr​ess,​ my kingd​om.​
and now, i have no place​ to lay my head.​
and nowhe​re to call home.​

another one of those poems.

i heard him honking down the street
and it made me sad
i heard him tapping on my window
and it made me sad
i heard him mention me in conversation
and it made me sad
i wish it had never happened.

stay with me a minute longer,
i feel a little lonely.
how often do i meet people like me?
those who watch the world from inside their mind?
perfectly normal on the outside,
but wanting more on the inside.
a movement, an flutter of an eyelid.
i would even settle for a twitch in your hand.

if i were to be honest, it would break your heart.
i'm not sick or twisted, just brutal in my decisions.

my thoughts on God

out of control.
my thoughts are as such.
distant whispers are as loud
as heartfelt discipline.
i seek and assume
rather than jump and believe.
God, why?
why something so close, so attached?
don't You know
that this has become one with me?
i have put my own piece into the puzzle,
and now you want it gone?
is it because it doesn't fit?
it hurts because i've jammed it in
and now you have to pull to set me free.
free? i don't remember what that is.
You'll have to show me the cover of the box,
one more time.

the art of breaking.

the blades of grass are breaking
my feet are stained green
i’m expanding on my best idea
and that is to stop thinking
i hate wearing shoes, i like having cold toes
the weather makes it so much more worth it
i’m windblown and sunburned
and my knees are aching
what happens when time stops...
and the stubborn surrender?

oh, Life, you keep me on my toes

my eyes wande​ring
and my mind guess​ing
and even my wit falte​rs.​


i hope it happe​ns.​

and yet, i am still one.

Hesitation.
there, i named it.
its twin is named Fear.
and together, they cause me to be indecisive.
Unsure of what to do, i can only pray.
i need clarity.
i long for the voice that is familiar.
the one who has called me deeper.
past the shorelines into darker waters,
i hear the angels singing.
to a place where my human eyes can't see
and all i feel is cool currents.
where does this lead me?
i do not know.
but i have gone too far to let go.

odes for a nickel

from the shoreline to the skyline,
it is my greatest ambition to find out why.
questions stir in my brain, when i rise and when i sleep.
ships wrecked in every way possible.
to live is very hard and to die is not an option.
it troubles me, the knowledge of what i'm about to do.
and am i scared? oh, yes. for i am helpless at best.
shadow puppets swim in showers
the cascading sunshine plays for hours
mantras including odes for a nickel
reciting, "her's was a lovely life but now she's gone
and we'll be all the more lonely without her smile."
forks dancing with silver spoons
i was never the classy one who remembered which one to choose.
brainstorms in my hair, frizzy bears walk up the street
and now, you know, that lollipops sing show tunes when you're not watching
time's hands shake yours while you sleep
rabbits peep through the key hole to spy
if you've got a pickle in your eyes
hippies wear green clothes in grief
shadow puppets swim in showers
the cascading sunshine plays for hours
mantras including odes for a nickel
recitin, "her's was a lovely life, but now she's gone
and we'll be all the more lonely without her smile."

i tried and i just can't keep away

i haile​d a passi​ng cloud​ with glee
and for me, he sang a prett​y melod​y
the stars​,​ they fough​t and asked​,​
why has all the happi​ness died?​
well,​ i've forgo​tten how to speak​
so i dance​d for them in a dress​ so white​
and the moon fell in love with the sky again​
the wind felt good again​st my skin
as the song was sung i felt the heat.​
and when i swore​ to never​ admit​ defea​t
it was then i didn'​t cry mysel​f to sleep​.​

when the blind turn deaf ears. (an excerpt from my other blog)

living in black and white makes it easy to recognize color
when will the dead recognize the summer?
when do birds fly and see the sky for what it is?
and clouds and rain and lightening equal thunder?

i breathe, and therefore am alive.

but i cannot account for actual perception.
and reality is nothing to me anymore
i watch a fuzzy screen that snows for me
wishing for nothing more
at least, that is what i tell myself
especially when i want the most
i see colors and i ask myself,
is that attainable and answer myself, no.
..or maybe i should just keep looking.
i don't know, would you?