the reason i stay in on saturday night.

I don't do this often

My favorite psalm, detailed in my own way.

"God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you; (God, all of me, all that I am, is Yours)
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. (You know what i'm thinking, even if i hide from You and everybody else, You see through my mask)
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight. (there's no where that i can go where You won't follow me)
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!" (You know me closer than my family, my friends, more than anyone. and to know that You know my heart, my dreams, my past, its overwhelming)

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight? (where can I go that You are not there?)
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting! (there is literally nothing i could do that would separate Your love from me. You love me no matter what, conditions and strings to not apply)
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. (i could run away, but You will never leave. You don't become disgusted my my filthy selfish sin, but You chose to love me)

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb. (You lovingly made me to be like You)
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation! (You are so good! You had our relationship in mind when You created my spirit, how You long to know me closer)
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. (You know every detail about me, because You made me. You care about every part of me, You have never once taken Your eyes off me.)

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea. (Your thoughts of me outnumber the grains of sand, I couldn't even count them.)
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good! (God, make me more like You. and in the places that i'm lacking, God, fill every part of me with Your love)
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies! (uh, i'm not sure what to take out of this.)

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.(God, if there is anything about me that is not of You, take it away. I don't want any part of it. i love yo be fully satisfied with knowing that i belong to You.)

i really want to know

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:12

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8

repeat, act, repeat

why am i so wicked? why am i so selfish?
You give me grace to replace the sin,
and yet i always go back to the foolhardy friend.
who's not a friend at all but a wolf in sheep's clothing.
i wonder why You don't give up on me, and continue to
answer my selfish questions, when in reality, i would
give up on me, but i suppose that's why i'm not You.
and though You've always been there, i feel separated
from everything right now. not because of You, but me.
this samantha that's so evil and stubborn, she thinks she can
do it on her own, and she'll stop at nothing to get satisfaction.
i wish that you would kill her, so the small child inside can finally
breathe Your air. the small child that has faith that can never die.
the small child that won't stop until she reaches Your arms.

i just want to be with you.

awkward eyes and stuttered smiles
and i just want to be with you.

words that leave you wanting more
and i just want to be with you.

nervous hands and beating heart
and i just want to be with you.

endless thoughts and lonely nights
and i just want to be with you.

i don't always understand

but God does answer prayers.
in weird ways.
but i'm doing going to say no, hahaha.
no, i'm going to be thankful.
things are starting to look up.