i breathe, and therefore am alive.

but i cannot account for actual perception.
and reality is nothing to me anymore
i watch a fuzzy screen that snows for me
wishing for nothing more
at least, that is what i tell myself
especially when i want the most
i see colors and i ask myself,
is that attainable and answer myself, no.
..or maybe i should just keep looking.
i don't know, would you?

internal monologue

i have a need to be in a place where i can find my own
to be the girl that i was created to be, in the way that i please
my yesterday is still where its at and not any less painful
and even today, i’m waiting for it to disappear
i’m holding onto intangible promises and
they help me when i need them least
i hate asking question that don’t get answered
i hate being ignored when i need the attention
i hate drowning when there’s no one to rescue me
teach me to swim? no, i’d rather walk on dry land, thank you.
so where does this rocky road lead to?
more bruised knees than acquired knowledge?
i fail to see the worth of this test when i can’t figure out what to do quite yet.
and when i finally get a companion on this quest (for lack of better word)
i don’t even know if i can fully trust what will only let me down
for i deserve no better for my own multiple failures
but back to the beginning of this internal monologue.
i can almost feel the change, the difference, the fulfilled destiny
but this ball and chain refuses to let me go, or maybe i am the one
freedom is scarring. freedom is frightening
and i cannot comprehend what i’ve never fully known.
and the goodness of God brings me to my knees in fear.
for I don’t and never will match up to His standards.
could i ever describe His mercy and He constant forgiveness?
No. it would be like describing why two people become lovers
or counting the stars in the sky or why someone would die for another.
i have fought more this year, cursed more, screamed and cried more,
perhaps prayed and sang more, felt more lonely, struggled more,
walked away and sometimes i ran too far.
but i want something more. i want life. i want love.
i’m changing the station. and if i have to, despite it being partly my fault,
i will walk away from here. and i won’t look back.
i’m tired of battling, the constant tears and fears.
my intent, my aim, my proposal, my personal promise to myself.
my life will cause a smile.
and for the love of God, just tell me that you love me.

bright light.

and when you die, the day that you die
you will be standing alone in an empty room
with your eyes on the one the one who gave you His all
He gave you everything and you took and you gave away
inside this white room that’s covered in images of your life
are you ready? are you ready for this?

right around the corner, and they have already come among us!

bittersweet flavor overwhelms my mouth
the truth-inevitable as the day succumbs to the night sky
a choice to be made- and even death leads the way, tempting me
but i digress.
hate and rage seems to be my older sister;
i don't want to listen but i can't drown out her screeching banter
i want separation between myself and "home"
i want to rewrite my history but i can't seem to escape where i came from
i can at least pretend to have amnesia.

the same old truth

there are days that i'm not sure; nights that i lack solidity
is there ever a point that i truly know beyond doubt, beyond uncertainty?
i can see separation, it is between me and you
and considering that i can't feel you, see you,
hear you, it certainly causes me despair when
i think of your lack of signature in my unfinished portrait
i ask myself, if this is what life is-
a journey of experiences and serving what we do not see
i'm afraid that my past has built around me a fort,
a wall of "protection" that won't break down to trumpets
i want to wake up from this nightmare
even what (or who?) i thought kept me safe
led me to deeper sleep, or the want for something darker
bitterness is a vise around my lungs and ropes around my neck
i cannot take another deep breath.