is that alright? (revised)

here's the door, am i supposed to open it?
here's the ball, am i supposed to throw it?
here's the question, am i supposed to shout it?
a change of pace.
there's a lump of fear that i cannot swallow,
there's a tightening in my chest and i can't breathe you in
there's a tear in my eye that will not dry up
there's a shake in my hands and i cannot hold you close
turned over.
i cannot answer why.
i cannot see the sky.
but instead glaze over a photograph of what is depicted as 'life.'
if this is real, how am i supposed to live it?
if this is real, how am i supposed to share it?
if this is real, how am i going to perform it?
if this is real, then this is me.

i just don't know what to do.

i'm watching everything fall down around me
its not even in cemeteries but i feel the cold anyway.
i'm losing everything but my sanity, and even that is slipping
dear God, what am i supposed to do?
i've lost people and i don't see the answers
and a good yesterday doesn't erase tomorrow and
what happens to me when i lose it all?
i don't think you feel my pain,
because i think i carry it all.
and i tried handing it over to you,
but things just kept getting worse.
i'm frustrated and tired and
growing more hopeless all the time
and what am i supposed to do, because
faith just doesn't do it for me anymore.
i can literally feel my heart breaking
and i don't see the promise you made and
i don't know what's worse, dying or losing faith in you.
maybe i'm just overreacting, maybe this is a time for breaking
but i just need to know that you're still here.
i need you to tell me something or even let me feel your hands
oh, God, just whisper words to me.
i don't think i can do this
and i won't write anything more to
distract myself from an emotion indescribable.
i'm closer to wanting to jump and fly away.

what a beautiful face,

with a voice of an angel
i could go on describing him
but this would never end
and i would die before
doing it justice-but,
i'm sitting back and thinking
just how far i'll go before
opening this trapdoor mouth of mine
ha, and to think that all this time
i was afraid to be bold.

off and on. off and on. off and on.

blink. blink.
blank stare
for my mind
isn't really there.

just to be with you

i caught a ray of sunlight today
the clouds, they sang a song just for me
i felt so good though i had nothing to say
and now its too late to say anything to you
these little games will only take me so far
when all i want is just to be with you
oh, just to be with you
but my world keeps on spinning
and another love just beginning
and one day i'll smile again.

what is it to be blown away?

to be moved to compassion from well-placed words?
to be stirred to anger from the injustice?
to be drawn to the quiet heartbeat the comes from the pages?

that is what i look for in these stories, these books.

and every time, i am in awe.

and yet again, i'm praying for a sign

driven to the word of motivation
i want to be able to dream again.
i'm tired of thinking, wishing, hoping.
my eyes have become weak
and my lips have gone dry.
lightening has blurred my vision
and i can't walk on my own anymore.
oh, how i wish that i can feel the wind in my hair
and the sun warm on my back,
or perhaps the rain in my hair?
all i know is that i hunger for freedom.
for starry skies and winter air.