a weathered red bench

is it possible to be so sad that it makes you tired? to be so broken that your heart hurts? to be awake at three in the morning because tears won't stop coming? to cry out desperately to God to make these feelings go away..and they don't? why? 

why above all else, does sadness outweigh joy? or even mere happiness? i would trade a moment of distraction that happiness brings if i could forget how alone i feel. 

i don't feel separation from God. nor from people. quite the opposite, really. but i can't escape this feeling of emptiness. i don't know how to describe it. or explain it. 

but i know that it causes me pain.

i remember i used to sit in my backyard on this old red bench. constant weathering and the abuse from my brothers made it not much to look at. but i loved sitting on this bench. i don't know why, but i miss that. i miss sitting outside and just breathing. i wish that i could share myself. to be open with someone. but i can't. i don't know how to trust anyone anymore. and so, in the end, i'm left feeling like i'm missing out in life somehow. like i'm running into this window. a window that keeps me from being free. and i can see on the other side, the laughter, the music, the love. but i can't break this window.

it just won't break.